To all the lovely ladies that I love and care so much about, here are some excerpts from the newly expanded edition of “HE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys” by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tucillo. I hope this will bring light to your lives . Quite long but worth the read!
Chapter 1: HE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU IF HE’S NOT ASKING YOU OUT: Because if he likes you, trust me, he will ask you out!
•Guys don’t mind messing up a friendship if it could lead to sex, whether it be a “fuck buddy” situation or a meaningful romance.
•‘If we’re friends with someone and attracted to them, we’re going to want to take it further.’
•If a guy truly likes you, but for personal reasons he needs to take things slow, he will let you know that immediately. He won’t keep you guessing, because he’ll want to make sure you don’t get frustrated and go away.
•Don’t let him trick you into asking him out. When men want you, they do the work.
•Men, for the most part, like to pursue women. We like not knowing if we can catch you. We feel rewarded when we do. Especially when the chase is a long one.
•When it comes to men, deal with us as we are, not how you’d like us to be.
•If the men are asking you out, if the men have to get your attention, then you, in fact, are the one in control.
•Males who are in serious long-term relationships say that not one of their relationships started with the woman asking them out first. If she had, it would have spoiled all the fun.
•If you can find him, then he can find you. If he wants to find you, he will.
•Just because you like to lead doesn’t mean he wants to dance. Some traditions are born of nature and last through time for a reason.
•Men don’t forget how much they like you. So put down the phone.
Chapter 2: HE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU IF HE’S NOT CALLING YOU: Men know hoe to use the phone.
•If I were into you, you would be the bright spot in my horribly busy day. Which would be a day that I would never be too busy to call you.
•Because men are cowards and they would rather wait until the end of time than give you bad news. A man who likes you wants to spend time with you. And he’ll only settle for talking to you on the phone five times a day when he physically can’t get on plane to come see you.
•His sweet nothings are exactly that. They are much easier to say than “I’m just not that into you.” Remember, actions speak louder than “there’s no call reception where I am right now.”
•Most guys will say what they think you want to hear at the end of a date or a phone call, rather than nothing at all. You know they mean it when they actually do what they said they were going to do.
•The word “busy” is a load of crap and is most often used by assholes. Men are never too busy to get what they want.
•The next incredible guy we meet with the really good excuse is just another guy who’s hurting our feelings.
•Men said they’ve never been too busy to call a woman they were really into. A man has got to have his priorities.
•If he creates expectations for you, and then doesn’t follow through on little things, he will do the same for big things. Be aware of this and realize that he’s okay with disappointing you.
•If he’s choosing not to make a simple effort that would put you at ease and bring harmony to a recurring fight, then he doesn’t respect your feelings and needs.
Chapter 3: HE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU IF HE’S NOT DATING YOU: “Hanging out” is not dating.
•There seem to be so many variations to dating, particularly in the early stages of a relationship. So many gray, murky areas of vagueness, mystery, and no questions asked. Dudes love this time because that’s when they get to pretend they’re not really dating you. Then they also get to pretend they’re not really responsible for your feelings.
•When you ask someone out on a real bonafide date, you’re making it official: I’d like to see you alone to find out if we have a romantic future together (or at least pretend to listen to you while I ponder whether you’re wearing a thong). In case you need more clues: there’s usually a public excursion, a meal, and some hand-holding involved.
•Men, just like women, want to feel emotionally protected when a relationship starts to become serious. One way they do that is by laying claim to it. A man who’s really into you is going to want you all to himself.
•Guys said “a fear of intimacy” has never stopped them from getting into a relationship. “Fear of intimacy” is an urban myth. That’s just what we say to girls when we’re just not that into them.
•If you don’t know where the relationship is going, it’s okay to pull over and ask.
Chapter 4: HE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU IF HE’S NOT HAVING SEX WITH YOU: When men like you, they want to touch you, always.
•If he were into you, he would be having a hard time keeping his paws off you. If a man is not trying to undress you, he’s not into you.
Chapter 5: HE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU IF HE’S HAVING SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE: There’s never going to be a good excuse for cheating.
•Whatever problems you may have been having in your relationship, they didn’t merit him having sex with someone else. Don’t ask what you did wrong. Don’t share the blame. And in case he tells you that it just “happened,” please remember, cheating doesn’t just “happen.” It’s not an accident. It was planned and executed with the full knowledge that it could end your relationship. If he’s sleeping with someone else without your knowledge or encouragement, he is not only behaving like a man who’s just not that into you, he’s behaving like a man who doesn’t like you all that much.
•Don’t let any man blame you for their infidelity. Ever.
•Cheaters are people who have a lot of stuff to work out and they’re working it out on your time and with your heart.
•Guys said they have never accidentally slept with anyone. But many of them wanted to know how this accident could occur, and how they can get involved in such an accident.
Chapter 6: HE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU IF HE ONLY WANTS TO SEE YOU WHEN HE’S DRUNK: If he likes you, he’ll want to see you when his judgment isn’t impaired.
•Being drunk or high is an altered state that can actually take you away from real feelings.
•You can’t believe everything a guy says when he’s drunk. Take it from a former bad boy: “Bad Boys” are bad because they’re troubled, as in having little self-respect, lots of pent-up anger, loads of self-loathing, complete lack of faith in any kind of loving relationship.
•Sometimes life is incredibly difficult and painful. If you’re looking for a partner to share your life with, it’s better to pick someone who’s able to meet it headlong with his full faculties.
•Romance translates very well into sober.
•Men said they have never vomited in the bed of a woman they were really into. Apparently, these guys don’t know how to have a good time.
•It doesn’t count unless he says it when he’s sober.
•If he only wants to see you, talk to you, have sex with you, etc., when he’s inebriated, it ain’t love – it’s sport.
•You deserve to be with someone who doesn’t have to get loaded to be around you.
Chapter 7: HE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU IF HE DOESN’T WANT TO MARRY YOU: Love cures commitment-phobia.
•There is nothing wrong with wanting to get married. You shouldn’t feel ashamed, needy, or “unliberated” for wanting that. So make sure from the start that you pick a guy who shares your views for the future, and if not, move on as quickly as you can. Big plans require big action.
•You are allowed to have aspirations for your future and to know whether the relationship you’re in is going to take you closer to those aspirations or be the demise of them. No amount of money in the world can buy that away from you.
•Don’t spend your time on and give your heart to any guy who makes you wonder about anything related to his feelings for you.
•Don’t let him make you feel stupid about wanting to feel loved.
•Guys said they would have no problem marrying a woman who they were positive was the love of their life. “What kind of knucklehead has a problem marrying the love of his life?”
Chapter 8: HE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU IF HE’S BREAKING UP WITH YOU: “I don’t want to go out with you,” means just that.
•A man who wants to make a relationship work will move mountains to keep the woman he loves.
•The only reason he can miss you is because he’s choosing every day, not to be with you.
•Remember always what you set out to get, and please don’t settle for less. These guys are able to exist because there are a lot of women out there who allow them to.
•Yes, break up sex does seem like a good idea, because, hey, it’s nice to have sex with someone you know. And it’s nice to have sex with someone you have all these dramatic feelings about. It makes it all, well, dramatic. But now you know. It confuses everything and makes you feel like crap, because face it, you’re a woman, and women can’t separate sex and emotions.
•Don’t underestimate the power of sex. Especially with someone you’ve been doing it with for a very long time. Breaking up means not seeing them again, which also implies not seeing them naked again.
•He’s sniffing around for something better, and when he doesn’t find it, he gets lonely and comes “home.” It’s not that he’s so into you. It’s that he’s so not into being alone. Don’t give him the chance to break up with you for the fourth time. Reset your breakup minimum to one and move on.
•Deciding to get back together with someone is a complicated and difficult decision. Just remember that the person you are getting back together with is the same person who, told you that he was no longer in need of your company. Please consider the option that the bum maybe just got a little lonely.
•Don’t confuse being classy with being a doormat. Classy is walking away with your head held high, graciously, and with dignity.
•Men said that when they broke up with someone, it always meant that they didn’t want to go out with them anymore.
•You can’t talk your way out of a breakup. It is not up for discussion. A breakup is a definitive action, not a democratic one.
•Cut him off. Let him miss you. He doesn’t need to be reminded that you’re great.
Chapter 9: HE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU IF HE’S DISAPPEARED ON YOU: Sometimes you have to get closure all by yourself.
•He’s gone. Poof. Vanished into thin air. Well, there’s no mixed message here. He’s made it clear that he’s so not into you that he couldn’t even bother to leave you a Post-it. It’s so painful, it’s impossible not to be hurt or angry. But because of that, you might be tempted to make some excuses for yourself. But all those excuses, however valid they are, will not help you in the long run. The only part of that story that’s important to remember is that he didn’t want to be with you anymore. And he didn’t have the guts to tell you that to your face. Case closed.
•No answer is your answer. He may not have written you a good-bye note, but his silence is a deafening “see you later.”
•He knows you’re going to be pissed. He’s a colossal asshole, not an idiot. He played the whole thing out in his head. That’s why he just disappeared.
•It might feel good to call someone and yell at him. But in the long run, you will have wished that you had not given him that much credit for ruining your life. Let someone else expend that kind of energy on him. It may feel like you’re letting him “get away with something.” But nothing you say is going to be news to him. And you’ve got much better things to do with your time.
•Sometimes a person’s behavior is so abhorrent that it leaves little doubt as to what to do. The big mistake you made was choosing that person to begin with. The quickest way to rectify that mistake is by learning from that, moving on, and choosing much more wisely in the future.
•The reason it’s so painful when someone disappears is you have to face the fact that the person you loved had probably left you a long time before he grabbed his coat and scrammed. The hard part is realizing that he was lying to you, in some way, before the moment of vanishing. Don’t ask yourself what you did wrong or how you could have done it differently. Don’t waste your valuable heart and mind trying to figure out why he did what he did. Or thinking back on all the things he said, and wondering what was the truth and what was the lie. The only thing you need to know is that it’s really good news: He’s gone.
Chapter 10: HE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU IF HE’S MARRIED (and other insane variations of being unavailable): If you’re not able to love freely, it’s not really love.
•No matter how powerful and real your feelings may be for someone, if that person cannot fully and honestly return them and therefore actively love you back, these feelings mean nothing. Sure, they may feel powerful, deep, mythic in scope and proportion. You may “never ever have felt this way before.” But who cares? If the person you “love” cannot freely spend his days thinking about you and being with you, it’s not real love.
•Why it’s wrong to date a married man, even if his wife is so awful to him… First, he’s okay with being dishonest. Second, he’s fine with cheating on his wife. Third, he has no regard for his marriage. Fourth and most especially to you, he has no real regard for you, because what you’re getting from him is scraps – stolen time that’s cloaked in shame. And because this is a workplace affair, who do you think will be asked to leave when the romance goes sour or becomes watercooler fodder that threatens his job and/or marriage? You. And whose reputation as a serious business-person will be compromised? Did you guess you? Good girl.
•A good relationship should not be lived in secrecy.
•No matter what their relationship or circumstances are, you are still helping a man cheat on his wife.
•Sometimes people fall out of love, marry the wrong person, are overcome with passion, or make bad choices, all of which can result in an affair. Here’s how you can handle the situation: Stop seeing each other; let him figure out his life. If he does leave his wife, then you can start a life with him not based in shame.
•You are going to meet many men in many different stages of recovering from relationships. If he is really into you, he will get over his issues fast and make sure he doesn’t lose you. Or he will make it clear to you how he feels, so there’s no mystery, and tell you up front that he’s not up to it right now. And then you can best be sure, the minute he is ready, he will run out and find you. You are not easily forgettable.
•Most men are usually coming out of some situation while they get into the next one…so why not hang on for dear life until he shakes off his ex?
Chapter 11: HE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU IF HE’S A SELFISH JERK, A BULLY, OR A REALLY BIG FREAK: If you really love someone, you want to do things to make that person happy.
•People are complicated. They are a mixed bag of lovable and dysfunctional qualities. That’s why they are so darn confusing. That’s why trying to figure them out is a waste of time. Is he making you happy? If the answer is no, cut him loose and go find a man with a higher “good count.”
•He doesn’t have to love your CD collection. He doesn’t have to love your shoes. But any good, mature guy better make an attempt to love your friends and family – especially when they’re great.
•It’s hard to feel worthy of love when someone is going out of their way to make you feel worthless.
•When two people are connecting, they hunger for information about each other, a sliver of what life is like when you’re not together, a glimpse into their past, a peek into their mind, all in hopes of getting under their skin.
•Remember, you are the catch. They are not the tasty little mako that will be so good mesquite grilled in a nice lemon sauce. You are.
•A man that’s really into you and himself will try to get his act together as fast as he can. That means, first and foremost, collecting a salary. And just beware: often these guys, once they do get their lives in order, feel so good about it that now they think they need to go find a new relationship. After all, no girl of real quality would have put up with the kind of crap he had dished out for so long. So let him go find himself – just not on your dime.
•If you date, you will meet your share of weirdos and jerks. The only thing in your control is how long you allow these gentlemen to take up space in your life. In case you’re not sure, it should be about ten minutes from when they first display their completely unacceptable behavior.
•Being with somebody, who makes you feel shitty or doesn’t honor the person you are, is worse.
•You can get lonely. You can crave companionship and sex and love so badly that it physically hurts. But the only way you can find out that there’s something better out there is to first believe that there’s something better out there.
•Guys said they have never tried to torture or humiliate a girl they were really into.
•Life is hard enough as it is without choosing someone difficult to share it with. Make a space in your life for the glorious things you deserve. Have faith. What other choice is there?
•If it’s impossible for you to think you deserve better, try to at least believe one of your friends who thinks you deserve better…just long enough to get you out of the relationship.
Chapter 12: DON’T LISTEN TO THESE STORIES.
•Think of yourself as the rule. Thinking of yourself as the exception is what got you into this mess in the first place. You are exceptional, but not the exception!!
Chapter 14: Q & A WITH GREG
•Most men do not change, and the ones I’ve seen change only changed when they met new women.
•Don’t let his personal complications confuse you into waiting around for him. He’s not able to be really into you. And you deserve better.
Chapter 15: CLOSING REMARKS FROM GREG: Don’t waste the pretty!
•Profound love is uplifting, joyous, inspiring, and intoxicating, and that they should never settle for anything less. Shitty relationships make you feel shitty, and that’s not what you were put on this earth for.
Chapter 16: LIFE AFTER HE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU
•Nothing is worse than longing for someone who doesn’t want you. Even loneliness is better, because with loneliness you at least have hope and possibility and imagination.
•No matter how long you end up being without a relationship, you will always be worth it.
•It’s nice to have a break from being completely and utterly single, but only you will know when the price you’re paying for that is too high.
tagged as: he's just not that into you.
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